DEBRIEF

Alright so, today we finished our debrief, and a few team members have started to head home. Each of us had to write a bit of a reflection on our summer, so I thought I'd share mine with y'all just to give a bit of a summary of my summer (hah). It's super jumbled and random, but that's kind of me all the time. SO here it is ...

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LIVING IN COMMUNITY IN ONTARIO

I lived at Conrad Grebel University College (aka literally THE most community-oriented university residence in the world), so I thought I knew what that meant. Definitely didn't. But, I definitely learned a ton from living with people. I think I hadn't really known that I needed, or fully appreciated, alone time before. I learned that sometimes people (including me) just need to be alone, and that doesn't mean anyone is mad or upset, they simply need time without other humans. Rest days aka Sabbath days are SO important. I really needed and valued Sundays (our days off, both in Ontario and in Guat), because I learned what true rest looks like, and was able to explore what kinds of things are restful for me. Unfortunately, during this time I definitely allowed people's attitudes to affect mine. If someone was grumpy, I'd wonder if I had done something to offend them, and I would frustrate myself trying to justify why they shouldn't be mad. I have a tendency to, if I am angry, to want to stay in that place of anger, because it's easier than reevaluating, and repenting of that attitude. That kind of mindset is really exhausting, and I didn't really realize how emotionally draining and super unhealthy that was. I really liked getting to know everyone, and not feeling awkward with people. I think that most people connected well enough at the beginning that orientation wasn't painfully awkward or weird.

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THE BARN I had no idea that the barn was that HARD. Like not at all. I was so excited to work in the barn after the first Saturday when we worked in the morning for a couple hours. But after the first week I didn't know if I could go 7 more. My back hurt and my head hurt and I tend to get bored really easily, so that was rough. There was one day when the thought came into my head, "what if I leave" but I immediately shut that down. I knew I wanted to finish, mostly because I'm stubborn. The Kimmy Schmidt line "you can do anything for ten seconds" just kept running through my head. I also wanted to finish because I knew Guatemala was incredible. My attitude at the beginning was something along the lines of, I just need to get through the barn and then I'll get to the good part. I thought of the barn just as something that I needed to "pass" in order to get to Guat. At some point I think a few of us were kind of trying to encourage ourselves by saying, "we just need to do it, and Guat will be worth it" and then I think David said something about how the barn shouldn't just be that. And I hated hearing that at the time, but I really really needed that. I needed someone to be like "no Sara, you need to change your pattern of thinking." SO for a couple days I was like "no. The barn sucks." And then eventually I gave up and told myself, "okay fine, I'm going to try to find a good thing about the barn”. At first I was looking for good things in the actual work, and that didn't go well. I was really frustrated because I wanted to find joy, but I couldn't. And one morning I was kind of ranting to God in my head; I couldn't understand why he would want me to be joyful in all things if he wouldn't let me find joy in why I was doing. So obviously I still wasn't really getting it. I was looking at it wrong. And then later that afternoon a new called 'Ophelia' (Chelsea's favourite) played for the first time. And Chels, Amy, Whit and I started dancing while weighing bunches. And I noticed girls laughing at us, and I was laughing, and all of a sudden I was like "hey, JOY." And in that moment I realized that like it's okay if I didn't find joy in my work. I can have joy in dance parties while working, or in having a perfect bunch, or watching Ben dance, or laughing at myself when I ask stupid questions. I was like YES JOY. So that was a HUGE lesson that applies to my entire life. Joy is everywhere, and if you really search, you can find it. So really, I have no excuse to not be joyful. The barn also taught me how my actions affect other people. There were days when I was like "I'm having a bad day and I'm going to show it." And I didn't realize that other people can tell. And it affects their day too! Also choosing to have bad days in the barn literally slows the day down SO MUCH. I need to take control over my attitude and refuse to succumb to anger. I also loved most of the people in the barn. We had such a cool opportunity to love and reach a people that is so secluded from us in everyday life. And I know Stoph said over and over "this is our mission field right now, so we are showing these people Jesus in the barn." And I want to believe I used that opportunity to its fullest, but I don't know if I did. I don't think I really realized that like I was sent into that place to be Jesus to those people. That was my mission field, not just a hurdle to get to Guatemala, the actually mission field. Guys, I thought I wasn't going to learn things from the barn, but the barn actually like taught me so freaking much about life and myself. Holy dang. There were times when questioned why the barn part of the program, but it is actually so so so necessary.

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LIVING WITH INGRID IN GUAT Living within your needs is SO BEAUTIFUL. Ingrid's kitchen is barely a kitchen. For some reason it really impacted me that she has like two pans. We have like seven. But she cooked us amazing food and she cooked her family food and she doesn't need more than two pans. I think I just have so many THINGS that are so unnecessary and I don't need. I want to reevaluate my "need" for my stuff. I love the idea of living with what only I need. I think I didn't really understand that the first couple times I was in Guat, because I lived in a pretty sheltered place. The compound is a wonderful home for short term trips, but I really value the opportunity we had to live with Ingrid. Ingrid is raising four children without a husband. I was kind of inspired? That's not really the right word, but I admire her strength. Ingrid and Jennifer, the oldest daughter at home, are extremely close. Jennifer cooked a lot of our meals, and I just found it really cool that Ingrid and Jennifer were a team. And oh man, Ana and Catie's story? That's incredible. I was so amazed and in awe of God's hand on their lives. SO COOL. Catie is really an incredible mother to Ana. She just has this maturity about her, and she's been through this insanely difficult thing that no child should ever endure. I really wish I had the Spanish to talk to her. Because she's an incredible little girl. Ingrid also had friends over a lot of the time. At the beginning I was kind of like this is weird why are these people in my house who are they what are you doing kind of thing. But I realized Ingrid is super hospitable. She made food for them, and let them shower at her house and just cared for them. It was just really cool, and they all ended up being really nice and not creepy. They're just a really cool family, and I loved living with them a lot.

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GUATEMALA I learned that other peoples' moods are not my fault. At camp there were a couple times when I would think "this person's mood is really bringing me down" and then I was like 'wait WHY am I letting it?' Just because YOU are grumpy doesn't mean I have to be. I'm not in control of your mood, but I AM in control of mine. I have a choice to let it affect me or not. And guys, when I made the choice to just brush it off and NOT let it bring me down, it was so FREEING. To actually believe that I can be joyful in the midst of seemingly unhappy people is so cool! It's so much easier to let myself catch the grumpiness BUT so much more worth it to NOT let myself be grumpy! And joy is contagious. It's exhausting, but I'd way rather go to bed being exhausted and full of joy than be grumpy and knowing that I could've acted differently. This is kind of an extension of what I learned from being at the barn, but I guess I needed to learn again. I also think that God honours when I choose to not let myself be grumpy, and do make the decision to choose joy. No one else sees that decision, and no one else is going to even notice that I made a really hard choice, but God does, and he will honour that. I also learned a lot about worship in song. There are SO MANY forms and kinds of worship, and God loves them all. Like camp was a dance party. I LOVE DANCE PARTIES GUYS. Actually though, I think it's just really cool that God isn't like "unless you do this specific thing I will not accept your worship" you know? Also one day when we were getting nachos, I asked people what they would miss the most about Guatemala. Phil said something about how worship here is so celebratory, and that we don't see that as much in Canada. And I didn't really realize that, but worship here is really celebrating God. There was one song that we sang that translated literally to "let's make a party". I want to celebrate Jesus and have a party! I also had a moment when I was like "oh I don't want to go back to Canadian church, there's no freedom in singing. I can't just jump around and raise my hands when I'm singing" and then we sang that song that says "Hay liberdad en la casa de Dios" and I realized that the house of God isn't just in Guatemala. There is freedom in EVERY house of the Lord. Obviously, to a certain extent. Like I don't want to distract people from worshiping in their own way, because they are free as well. Their way of worshiping is not any less true or valued or real than mine is. So that was something that I really needed to learn. I've really struggled with that in past times after coming back from Guat, to western church. And it's not less legitimate worship, it's just different. And different is okay.

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ME I've learned way more about myself than I thought I could in four months. I've learned that I can be really independent, that I LOVE alone time but I also love people, that I love being in the market with everyone yelling at me. I learned about my attitude, and how powerful it is, to both me and others. I also learned how to miss people. Before I left I didn't think it would be a problem, missing people. Then almost immediately after we left I was hit with this wave of intense shock. I think I allowed myself to focus on how much I was missing Mack/family, and not focus on being with the people actually in front of me. And that ended up hurting me and my experience of Guatemala. I figured out, eventually, how to miss people without letting it distract me. I also realized that it's okay to miss people. Because missing people means you have something good enough that you don't want to lose it. It made me appreciate the relationships I have and realize like how much people actually mean to me. I don't think being homesick for people is bad, but it took me a couple weeks to figure that out. I used to view the world as like a series of experiences, most of which are training me for something else. Like my undergrad is a thing I have to do to get to another school, and I have to do that to get to a career. Everything led to something else and I felt like nothing was stable. I was always working towards something else. And at first, I thought that's what this was. But now I'm realizing that actually where I am right now, that's where I am sent. I am in this place because I have been sent to love and serve in this place. So I think now I'm trying to look at experiences and ask myself "why am I here / how I can I love in this place / what does God want me to learn here" rather than viewing it as something that I have to do to get to the next thing. The verse in Matthew when Jesus send his disciples was constantly running through my head this summer. He says "therefore go" and going is more than simply being in a place. It's going and making disciples and loving people with every part of me, and wherever I am, that's where God has called me to GO so I need to be SENT. One Reframe episode talked about being "sent on purpose" and I LOVE that wording. I'm still learning to search for my purpose in my place, and what being an ambassador of Jesus looks like, but I am learning.

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WORSHIP The worship here wasn't unfamiliar to me. I had seen the jumping and dancing and stuff last time I was here, but I wouldn't say I was comfortable with it then. To me, it seemed more like a performance and less like worship. But this time it was different. I think this time I had more of a mindset of observing and taking things in rather than immediately judging them. I've definitely realized that there are many forms of worshiping in song, and none of them are more "real" than another. I said this before, but I love how worship here is so celebratory. And I think, in heaven, worship isn't going to be one particular way, you know? I think there will be many forms and styles and it'll be beautiful and incredible and also it's HEAVEN, so there's that. I didn't really find anything uncomfortable, but I definitely did the first couple times I went to Guat. I also realized that worship is not emotion, aka faith is not a feeling. So if I'm not "feeling it", that's okay. I don't have to feel anything. I just have to know who I am in Christ. Before this spring, I was figuring out what it meant to "be still and know". It's not "be still and feel". I KNOW that I am a child of God, and I know that when I lift my hands or dance or jump or whatever, it's not because I "feel" faith. Maybe emotion is involved, but it's okay if it's not all the time. It doesn't mean any less if I'm not emotional. One team night, someone had kind of questioned the raising-hands-during-worship thing. Stoph replied by asking, "What do we NOT do with our hands during the day? We literally use our hands for everything. So lifting our hands is our way of saying 'God, here are my hands. I want to dedicate them to you, and for your service, so here I am, using them for your glory'".

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GOD I'm realizing that God is bigger than I give him credit for. I mean, he's here in Guatemala, doing incredible things, but he's also in little Houghton Centre, in the asparagus barn, doing incredible things. ALSO does God speak every language? Because he speaks to people in Guatemala, but he speaks to me in English...whaaaaattt? So yeah, I'm learning how huge God is and how cool it is that's although he has the whole world to love, he still makes me a priority. I think I'm very slowly figuring out what it means to hear from God, and that's it's not necessarily a giant deep booming voice from the sky.

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SO that's kind of my summary of this summer. It's not all of it, because y'all have lives and don't have time for it all.

PS this isn't my last post, don't worry. I'll be back (Arnold voice).